Addiction, Motherhood, + MiniVans
Everybody always asks how I got into this work….and the truth is simple, I lost my mind.
Losing my mind was not an overnight process.
There were years and years that led me to that point.
Many of them were dealt with disassociated behavior as coping skills so that I could feel emotionally safe and stable in an unstable home growing up.
This eventually led to drug usage and addiction, sobriety with hard drugs and a clearer decision making head.
Then, with this clear thought of mind, becoming a girlfriend, a business owner, a wife, and a mother.
I struggled with addiction to pain killers for many years. I went to high school in the rise of the popularity of them and witnessed many friends make the transition from pain killer addiction, to heroin, to transitioning in their human lives.
I believed that I was really good at getting drugs and being a functional drug addict…tricking people into not knowing because I was smart and charming. I always was good at making money. And supported myself and my habits without having to cross any moral thresholds.
This continued for a few more years until I could feel the draw of addiction really making my life feel miserable and happiness unachievable.
I knew I had to make a change.
I needed to be in a physical environment where I could fully commit to staying away from drugs.
It came down to rehab, or where I wound up going…and Ashram, a spiritual center based on Hindu philosophies and meditation.
At the time, no idea what an ashram was.
The problem was...
I had never meditated.
When I tried, I couldn’t understand how to do it.
My mind raced.
I had no idea what to do with my thoughts
Or really what the premise was of how to do it
All of my resistance was up.
I hated meditation.
But I had to be there. Day in and day out. For a bit over 30 days.
I met my husband soon after that.
We got married and had a baby within our first year of marriage.
And that transition went well.
I loved being a Mom.
But when she was only 9 months old, I got pregnant again.
And before I knew it, I had an 18 month old and a newborn.
And I was stuck under the enormous pressure of being home with them all day, catering to every cry, need, and desire.
I was happy to do this. This is the act of service that we adopt as Mothers for our children. There was a part of me that believed this.
But my thoughts were playing tricks on me.
They hated being home.
They felt trapped by the overwhelming senses of motherhood.
My body was touched out.
I had no time for myself.
I resented my husband when he left for work because I felt like I didn’t have any purpose outside of being a baby blanket.
And during the moments when it was just me and them, I struggled to hold it together.
And then one particurlarly tough day at home, I sat and counted down the seconds before my husband got home.
I needed a break away from the babies, the diapers, the tears and my solution was to get away and just go for a drive by myself.
And so I made a deal with myself.
I promised myself that I would find 5 minutes a day every day for 30 days to see if my conversation with God was right.
Was meditation what I needed?
And since then, I've learned to become a much cool, calm, and confident Mom.
I have hosted and spoken at workshops for 100s of women.
I have launched multiple businesses, digital platforms, and hosted some incredible events.
I don't know who I would have been if meditation hadn't become such an instrumental process in my life.
Everyday, although not always perfect, is one that I feel incredible blessed and grateful to live.
Thank you for being here and following along.